“We have established that the real ego exists as our ideals above and behind our thoughts, and is behind the impulses of the will as our pure free will, still undirected towards anything specific; that is to say it is yet not determined. If Christ-consciousness illumines a person and he desires to bring his ego-consciousness to it he must discover a third factor, namely, behind his feeling, a longing for Christ, a longing for ego-reality. Just as our ‘I’ is present as an ideal above our thinking and as pure will below our desires in the unconscious depth of our soul, so the longing for Christ lives behind our self, the need for Christ, as Rudolf Steiner calls it. In order to bring the self that we develop through perception, feeling and knowledge towards Christ, we must free it from fetters. Free it from its ties to our thinking, feeling and willing…”
“I enter the true nature of my ‘I’ when a pure will arises that never wants anything in particular but follows as soon as something right presents itself. I allow the world to judge through me, and then act in free assent. Thus my consciousness and my will move towards Christ, a strenuous wholesome test. We are free to seek it, free to neglect it.
We discover that the real ego is not found only in the ideals above my thinking, in the pure will below my intentions, not only in the longing for Christ behind my feelings, but that it approaches me as my destiny from the world without. My ‘I’ is not only in me, it is also in everything that comes towards me as destiny. Here begins quite different judging, quite a different way of saying yes and no, for insofar as I have learnt to say yes to what the world judges in me, insofar as I can say yes and put my will at the free disposal of whatever should happen, insofar as I can say yes to the movement of the ‘I’ towards Christ, and insofar as I can say yes to my destiny, to that degree my ego will arrive by itself to itself.
One must continually wrestle with oneself and with other people to achieve this genuine yes. The Christ is at work with it. This assent of Christ is the Christian faith.”
Our farm has another name, Terra Fidei, which means land of the faith and is the inward name of our home. It wants to represent this striving to cultivate the faith, as we cultivate the land, because is an act of free will -an act nor a noun-, that which faith encompasses. What is to continue becoming perfect in the eyes of God? To follow his will at every moment. This is again an active form, never reaching the goal yet always moving towards it.
The main reason to bring the special needs children to our farm was to try to bring my husband’s job to the fore, he has been teaching in the special ed. department of public school for the last years, and I thought that instead of bringing my own ideas to this new project, I would build up my husband’s skills and talents in the farm. Alas, I do not know if it will work, since he has his own different ideas about the farm as well!!!!
I have been in a continual struggle with this relationship, since the beginning when we met:
“I was talking to God, while listening to my usual Friday night classical music concert in Mallorca, Spain, and finally admitted to God that I had learnt the lesson He was teaching me for the last couple of years. I really did not need any boyfriend to be happy, or anybody to love or be loved by, BUT, I said to God, if you want me to share my life with someone else, just let me know. Well, two seats by my side, there was this guy, who was trying to catch my attention during the whole concert, he finally did start a conversation with me and has been my husband since one week after that day. At first I did not understand, why God sent him to me? 15 years older, looking rather shabby, bold, and from a far-away country….as years went by, some of the reasons were understood, he grew long beautiful blond hair right away, which was a nice surprise!"
Anyway, what I wanted to mean is that many times the relationships that are more difficult are the closer ones, and if you had read my diaries you would see that my two longings in life were God and children. So when God decided to stop giving us children my heart started to ache, how am I suppose to continue in this covenant of marriage? Am I now to turn around and go to seminary? Vocations? As my service to others increased also my disservice to my husband augmented, I could see that also in many others, where the most servicial and kind hearted persons, lived a rather strenuous life at home or were alone. Why is this so? Teachers and ministers will tell you how difficult it is to give in both places, and the tension many times breaks the relationships in the inner courtyard.
It seems so much easy to love the ones that are farther away than your own husband, at least for some of us, and I could see why God had chosen marriage for my life, to stretch my heart in love for God as I struggle to love my husband. Maybe for others God has chosen the ministry life, or any other task, but at the end the ultimate result should be an increase of Love for God. Saint Therese “saw” Christ in every human being, married women are to “see” Christ in their husbands at every moment. Husbands are built up by our admiration of their qualities, they strive to the best we see in them, how we can maintain this admiration? Last week an Amish farmer tilled the soil in our land, and kept my children in the cart while working, it all seemed so right, except it was not my husband tilling the soil! I think when husbands work at home, especially in the land, wifes are more easily prompted to be grateful for their work, to admire them. On the other hand I could remind myself of the great job that my husband is doing by providing for the family, and facing the sometimes cold-cruel world of society for long hours a day.
This Easter readings were eye opening for me, as to discern how am I receiving the destiny that God has chosen, am I freely saying yes, am I freely saying no, or am I just unconscious of it, resenting my life?
Today’s Gospel talks about Jesus being the Shepherd of Souls, and I am reminded of the Psalm that has turned into a famous song:
Shepherd me Oh God,
Beyond my wants,
Beyond my fears
From death unto life.
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not be in want
He lead me to green pastures,
He restores my soul.
May we have the grace to wrestle pride and despair away from our lives continually, and come to rest on Christ and the destiny that comes towards us at every moment.
Story for Easter: The Selfish Giant, Oscar Wilde
Songs for Easter: Love is come again and the Spring Carol to the tune of King Wenceslas.
