Blog space

For now I will be blogging at our farm space: windswayfarm.blogspot.com
Thanks for your attention.

A gift of Love

Last time I was in the shower the bar soap fell, and I tried to find it first with my feet, and then kneeling down with my hands, but to no avail. Finally I resigned myself to have a soapless shower and just instantly something landed on my left toes, it was the bar soap.

I thought that was a very good picture of what happens in my life too, how when I am in need of things first I have to let go of the selfish desires that go along with it, and just then and only then the wish comes true.

It is easier said than done too, for many years I am spending trying to ask for some things without being attached to the result, and yet, it does not work, the matter is that even if one wishes to be desattached, one usually is not....it is more likely that God gives at some point the gift of desattachment, the gift of being able to rest in His hand on that issue, and to let go of any wants in that, and it follows that after God gives me that gift, the very thing for which I was asking before comes right to my life, instantly, just like the bar soap. Sometimes it happens too that God is waiting for me to obey Him in something, and when I do, then He rewards with this gift of desattachment and peace in my heart.

This Christmas He has given me one of the long waited wishes, a marriage in love. I was struggling for a while, to see love in me for my husband and vice-versa. God finally let me ask for some thyroid medications, and things started to change drastically, I was no longer in a sullen mood, and my husband's melancholic disposition seemed most and most admirable. I was reminded of how you pair children of the same temperament for short periods of time in order to bring an effort of the temperaments to balance and not go to the extremes...it is a hard job and this is why you just do it for short periods of time...usually children ( and people) gather together naturally in temperamemnts that are not alike ( because they complement each other). Well, how grateful I was that I was given a break in balancing my temperament with my husband, now I could be as choleric as I could for a while and admire/need his low key temperament... I do not know how long it will last but surely I am enjoying this second honey-moon, reminiscing all the things and feelings of the past and having them alive again in my heart.

I was some time ago immersed in reading books about marriage and relationships, and after what happened to me I have to reconsider some of the things taught in them, I think now that many of these books are smart, yet not wise. Wisdom in relationships comes from another source and I am not yet able to describe it. It seemed also that seeing examples of happy marriages around me, and the reading of many good personal articles in the Family Life magazines, have helped me to gain a perspective in things. One of the things I read was about some people who have a double face, they seem so kind to strangers yet they are horrid at home. I pondered and asked myself if that would be true for me too, and discovered that there might have been. Maybe my selfish desires to be loved, made me be a people pleaser and an ogre at home...I have come to the place where I want foremost to honor and help my husband,  because if I cannot do both at the same time, that means God's love is not in me.

Vision

Last summer I received a strong impression, like a revelation, where the peoples of the earth were separated into two groups, one with technology and the other without. It seems to me that machines are becoming the masters of humans instead of humans being served by machinery. Humanity is being crippled, being animalized, and though God does not need many generations to change the face of the earth, (he can do it instantly), in my vision this took place in a span of various generations.  Studying the various groups of people that are staying away from technology, it seems to also be two categories, those that do it out of tradition, indigenous cultures and alike, and those that consciously choose to stay away from technology even though it is readily available. The first one will eventually succumb to the environment, and if it chances to be an environment with technology it will change their traditional ways to that of modern ways, in one generation. We have seen it happen many times. The other group who consciously chooses to set themselves apart, do so out of convictions stemming from God, and will also see changes, as technology creeps in forcefully, the groups will experience division and purification. Some will not be able to stand the pressure of the world, and will start to compromise ( using computers for business only, watching TV programs that are acceptable, etc..) we all know where that compromise ends up, next generation does not have the limit and starts following the crowd. Now this seems to be rather extreme, yet it is the vision that was given, and though from the outside it may seem crazy, it was also looking rather crazy when I found my husband, yet it was God’s will.  I had been in relationships, every two years, with men that I always thought I would be married to. Finally my friend told me, do not keep on thinking that this is the one you will marry, you are always wrong! After my marriage I did change my romantic ideals from one level to another, and now I was looking for a church, one that would be the real church, the one that I would be married to. Every time we would find a church we would “fall in love” with it and think it was the ONE. Well, now I am ready, like my friend told me, to let go of that search too in the spiritual, and to let God decide which is the church I should commit to, the one which through thick and thin I will stand and never let go till death do us part. I was given  a vision, now I want to respond willing and accordingly.

The story goes that one time, tourists in Pensylvania asked their Amish guide, so, what is the difference between us English and you Amish? The Amish guide said,: Who is here thinking that TV is not good for children? All raised their hands. Who is here taking the TV out of their lives? Nobody raised their hand. This is the difference between them.

I have seen this also in many other circles, besides those tourists, educated people, godly people, waldorf people, conscientious people, Christian people, we all want to do what is right, but who has the strength? You need God for that AND society, you need a group of people that supports that vision, if you just have yourselves, sooner or later the wolf will come in. This last Christmas we went visiting relatives in Spain, my children were praised upon arrival, how good they behave, how thoughtful, how nice to be around with all day long, they are really different from the ones raised in this country, what do you do different? After two weeks of being there my children started to behave like the regulars, all their niceties were dwindling and at the end of our stay you could not have differentiated one from another! There is a lot of things going on in the culture one is living in, you need a society to uphold standards. You can see this clearly in language, my children never acquired my strong Spanish accent while learning English, though I was the main caregiver! The culture gives the language, and does also give many other things. Let me not be blind thinking we can be doing it alone just with God, God can surely bring strayed ones to his fold, but we also need to fellowship with one another regularly, and a society that upholds God’s will, though division may come in, though purifications may be sent, let me ask for God’s will, for God’s leadership in these matters, for God to show His bride to us.

We are doing songbooks this time, one it is full of Amish songs we have learned with our neighbors and we sing them at night together, the other is a compilation of our favorite songs and some new ones that go through the calendar of the year. For this season we are choosing  O Sacred Head Surrounded, and The Heartbeat of God.

Horizontal

Lately I have been thinking in terms of horizontal and vertical lines, and it appeared to me that many things can get explained this way.

For example, taking a look in our society, I would say that we have taken the horizontal more than before; in past days, babies were taken care at home, and even today some cultures have that privilege, but more often than less, babies are cared for in care centers, where the norm is to have them separate by ages, as to make it easier for schedules and needs of the baby, obviously there are different needs for a 6 month old, than for a one year old or two year old etc…, but in the days past, babies were together at home, the newborn, with the toddler, or the crawler with the 3 year old, etc….If we take a look at the school age children we see the same effect, except in few small parochial schools were the 8 grades are in the same classroom, or in large homeschooling families, we have the separating of children by ages, with the consequence of having a peer group of the same age that mainly interacts with each other and less and less with the other age groups. This continues in the work place and finally also in the golden age, a small amount of families can take care of an elderly now at home (with the father gone  to work outside home  and the mother following). This leaves the nursing homes full again of people of the same age that are in their last years of life.

 

This panorama seems to me to happen when one considers mainly the advantages or efficiency of grouping people in the same age together, it is an horizontal way of thought, yet it may be that there is missing the vertical line of thought, that line that considers another efficiency and does not group people by the same age but by nucleus of diverse ages, the old fashioned home with three generations or even four generations living together.

 

Besides the old fashioned home there are also some initiatives that recreate this form, I know  of  a farm setting that has children, elderly and middle age people together, working as a group, not related by blood, yet nowadays even families that would do this form naturally would be doing out of a conscious will, being that the tendencies in the regular society are so opposite.

Looking at the plant world we can gain some insight about these two lines:  the horizontal, the leaves formation is mainly to receive, it gets the nurturing from the sun and air, etc. The vertical line could be seen as the flower and seed formation, is the giving back, the sharing and bringing forth to the earth. If a plant would go on with horizontal forces but not vertical ones, its future would probably become close to extinction, whereas one that would just try to go on vertical lines, would not quite make it. So it is in life, that both things need consideration.

In  our society I think too much emphasis  is put on the horizontal line, in the management of things of a material outlook, and we forget the things of the spirit. I think that people of different ages living together is the best setting for learning and living, and it is where we can really stretch our soul, and also give it proper life.

It is obvious to see  that aged people thrive by seeing the little ones, their faces bright up, their eyes shine again, and also it is obvious  to see the small ones nurtured by the elderly, that old time story repeated, that constant presence in the rocking chair, etc…Now what about the middle aged?  I know that to be with the elderly is draining  the etheric of some people, while others get drained by the children company. How we can learn which is our form and how to make adaptations? Well one thing to consider again, is to have the three together, one would balance the other, the strong etheric forces of the first years, and the strong forces that have worked through  the etheric on the last years, can  balance themselves, with the middle aged person, the one in between, who by being in the presence of both, gets too a balanced rhythm of forces.

 

That farm that I mentioned is  very inspiring to me, I myself would like to age in a family setting, either by blood or not, but who knows! On the other hand I want to look for an elderly in need, maybe somebody  needs  a home now. Good is a society that cares for their elders and their young!

There is some of the woolwork we are doing these winter days, the middle child has done a hat for her cousin’ baby and the oldest child is embroidering in wool bags, the small child is finger knitting and making pom-poms.

By their fruits

“By their fruits you shall know them”

Some years ago I gave up my discernment, I saw that my mind is not always right and that my capacities to know the truth are limited, especially as a woman I could see my proneness to be deceived, moreover in things of the spirit. Is in this light that I wear also a head covering, as my commitment to acknowledge this limitation that I have and also to protect from the spiritual world.

 

So then the guidelight that I could follow is a practical one, theories and doctrine may sound good, but I could be deceived, whereas how people walk in the spirit, the showing of the fruits of the spirit is very clear.

 

In my path I was attracted to the plain life long ago, but it was a romantic notion that I had about it, yet this year we found ourselves in the midst of plain people and this is part of what I have seen in them:

They are more ready to crucify their flesh daily, as a conscious act, not as a tradition “that is the way we do things” but as a conscious exertion of the will to put the flesh away, they wake up early 4:30 am, they have long morning devotionals, they work as a means to put their fleshly desires away, that is one reason why they do things more manually, the flesh wants to rest but the spirit can go onward.

They strive to really get to know the other person, they do not chat with you just for a politeness or for any other reason than to get to know you better, as it is a very difficult task to really show an eager  interest in the other person. They ask questions and take time to get to know you.  This summer we had an exchange student in our farm, and quietly I observed how people around us interacted with him, we had opportunities to see people from all walks in life and the ones that took more time and effort to know him were the Amish.

I think these two things weave together one feeding the other, as we put away our flesh, our spirit is more willing, and the fruits will show, starting for real love for each other.

On another hand their uniform also serves a very important function, that is to put away pride. Pride creeps in our lives so easily, but the vestment is an outside mark of our willingness to put away pride. I made the experiment of dressing plain for a while ( which by the way means the same dress for the whole week, unless it is soiled), and then going back to choosing dresses and attire for each day, what a difference!, my thoughts were so different, even if I was dressed modestly, the thought of a flowery pattern or a form or a lace was in my mind as a form of pride. I think that we modern people have been desensitized also, so if you do not do the experiment you may think I am not right, but then again, it may work different for everybody, I leave room for that.

The monks and nuns have their habits which are a form of what the Amish also wear, the important thing is that you submit your desires of outward appearance to the group, as means of your willingness to submit to Christ. It is not about being sameness or being  annulled of your individuality,  yet is bringing this individuality to serve the group, is about a conscious work of the will and mind life to serve Christ. For that reason I would uphold this kind of uniform instead of every family choosing their own, after all, if we choose our own, is still prideful. I know that in the past lay people did not have these uniforms, and there was a reason why: the peasant life was ordered by the spirit, and the families grew in the fear of the Lord in such a way, that their dresses were not interfering in their religious life. In city places you could see how these principles started to decay, and the dress was more a matter of show instead of a matter of service. On the other hand nowadays, the wordly mind set is so close to us, and the spirit so far, that I think it would be a good thing that lay people of a same parish or locality would dress with uniforms again, to combat the pride in a higher scale.

Finally, though not at all thoroughly, another thing I observed with the Amish is their joy, a joy that comes only when you give up your needs and work for the needs of the others. It is true that we are bestowed  with responsibilities in life, some with families to raise, some with other endevours, but if you keep the focus on those responsibilities you may loose the whole point of it,” it is in loosing your life that you shall live”. I remember in Little Women how the mother did not hesitate to bring the breakfast to the poor family on Christmas day, if she had been thinking about her own children all along, the thought of sharing would not have had any opportunity to even come to her mind, and I think that is the problem with some of us, we have our focus on the wrong place, and then the spirit cannot talk to us.  Just this past Christmas I had the opportunity to invite someone to our home, yet my fears of fleas made me do otherwise, since then I have been with remorse in my heart and asking God to help me overcome my fear of “ little creatures!”. Well, now we are dealing with lyce in my own children, and I hope this will make me strong to invite my neighbor in spite of fleas. Fear is lack of Love, and God is Love.

Obviously not all the Amish I have seen live up to this ideal, neither any group or church in the new testament was perfect, yet we all are called to perfection in Christ, so it is that I want to walk closer to the light and to people that show the fruits of the Spirit. If it was just for me I would start baptism instruction with the Amish this spring, yet it is not in my hands, so I have to surrender also this wish to God and know that he is perfect in his ways, I just need to follow.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the Blood of Jesus Christ his son cleanseth us from all sin” I John 1-7

The Road to the Top

The Road to the Top

I entered the valley with fear and with dread

For I doubted the way that my master led,

I shrank from the blackness and darkness of night

And longed to be walking in the safety of sight.

But he said that He’d go and take me on through,

Each step of the treacherous pathway He knew.

So we walked and we walked till the midnight came,

And I said,” I just cannot go on the same.”

For the valley is endlessly long and wide,

I will not be able to reach the far side.”

But he led me still onward; upward and on

And after long hours came a glorious dawn!

I thanked the Master with tears in my eyes,

I was so ignorant and He was so wise.

For I could not have reached this mountain’s height

Had we not walked the valley last night. ( author unknown)

 

There is something that has been nudging me since I was told about the way of healing relationships in  logotherapy. As I understood, relationships, especially those between spouses, carry many times a sign of conflict that comes from early childhood, one session served as an example where we could see how husband and wife conflicts were being re-created again and again:

 

The wife was asked to look for her symptoms at the time of conflict with her husband and to go past her memories to find the first time she felt like that; it was found she was feeling anger coming out when she perceived she was ignored by her husband and going back in time she could see more experiences carrying the same feelings with the caregivers at home. The husband was asked to do the same and he felt also anger coming out when he perceived his wife admiration was  on somebody else, and going back on time he could retrace that feeling to when being himself  the third boy his mother gave tasks to the first brother but not him.

This brought up a down- spiraling  dynamic, the more she felt ignored by her husband the more she would be angry and admire others, and the more he felt not important by his wife, the more he withdrew and gave resentment. Both were angry at each other and feeling as they felt when they were on that little children’s episode.

 

For the therapy to continue, both husband and wife needed to find a way to communicate with each other when those feelings were flaring up again, so the other would be aware and give the partner what they needed, perhaps a hug, or a listening ear, or some deserved admiration.

 

What bothered me about this system is that it left the marriage as a link of causes not supernatural, the explanation of falling in love is that we look unconsciously for the spouse that will guarantee the  re-experiencing again of those experiences that impressed us negatively so much as little children.

 

There must be another explanation, and after one month I think I found one and can rest again. I think it is true that deep inside we know when we fall in love that forces are working in us, which we do not see completely , and I think it is true that we engage ourselves with people to re-enact those traumatic experiences, but that is not the whole picture. I think the big scheme of things has it this way in order for us to learn the most, if we were not to face our worst fears, we would not gain so much strength. So it is in life, that when we go in the valley of darkness, we can have the opportunity to see the purer light again.

 

So in regards of the therapy, I would add the second half of the story, lest couples become discouraged at seeing half of the truth, ( you would not tell the story of Jesus by stopping at Golgotha on Friday, but you would continue till Resurrection Sunday), and also I would give encouragement to those in relationships, that this is the way to strive for the Spirit,  as we strive to heal and nurture our relationships, the Spirit starts dwelling in us.

Finally one more thing to ponder, the number of divorces nowadays, besides being explained by our growing in individuality apart from growing in spirituality, it also is explained by the number of free marriages,  that is marriages not arranged by parents, but by the Spirit, as we experience the falling in love. Let’s see that last point as an enhancement and not a hindrance of the work of the Spirit in us, even though in the meantime it may mean more troubles in the relationship, and many couples not making it to the end.

 

(Everything that is said for husband and wife also applies to any relationship, though with a lesser intensity.)

 

Healing the Wounds of Others

Let me not live a life that’s free

Form the things that draw me close to Thee

For how can I ever hope to heal

The wounds of others I do not feel

If my eyes are dry and I never weep

How do I know when the hurt is so deep

If my heart is cold and it never bleeds

How can I tell what my brother needs

For when ears are deaf to the beggar’s pleas

And we close our eyes and refuse to see

And we steel our hearts and harden our mind

And we count it a weakness whenever we’re kind

We are no longer following the father’s way,

Or seeking His guidance from day to day

For without crosses to carry and burdens to bear

We go through life that is frotty and fair,

And “chasing the rainbow” we have no desire

For roads that are rough and realms that are higher

So spare me no heartache or sorrow, dear lord,

For the heart that is hurt reaps the riches reward,

And god enters the heart that is broken in sorrow

As he opens the door to a brighter tomorrow,

For only through tears can we recognize

The suffering that lies in another’s eyes.

Monserrat

We have arrived at our farm after a four weeks “pilgrimage” in Spain, it is good to be back and it was good to be there. We are thankful of the opportunity that has been given to us.

 

One thing that impressed my mind during our stay was the Monastery of Montserrat, it has various legends attached to it, one of them claiming the Holy Grail was hidden there after rescuing it from Mont-Salvat.

To enter the church at 11 am you cross a big patio full of marble and columns while the numerous bells are calling to service. The sound is such that makes you shudder, it calls you inward, it shakes your thoughts and heart. Inside also, the esthetics can heighten your experience of God, but for me, it was the light coming from the eastern windows that made the most difference. The churches were always built facing east, but even more than that, the windows were designed so the light of the morning sun would enter and the light would shine, passing through each one of the faithful gathered there, as it moved in the firmament during the service. It was really awesome, how you felt the lighting, warm, sometimes blinding touch of the light as you collect your mind to remember of the things divine and infinite.

 

This experience full of content and form helps to carry your soul through the week ahead, or if you are lucky to have this daily, to the day ahead. Is this combination of form and content that conforms to the truth, you take one away and the truth also escapes.

 

It is the same with the question that burrowed in my life this Christmas, how you walk a Christian life, how you follow the teachings if your heart is not in it? Some times I thought  it was good to follow  your conscience and rules, even of you do not feel like it, they say the willing, in due time, will educate the feeling aspect, so I even took notes in my mind of what I ought to do to be good Christian and my thoughts forced my will. Even if my heart was not in it.

 

Other times I thought  that is through feeling that this is accomplished better, and I trained my thoughts to go into the feeling realm and thus also create strong will that work into the material world. This would be one of the goals of the Jesuit meditations.

 

Yet I wonder if both approaches could be lacking something, because in my latest experiences it is FROM the feeling that willing and thought life are to be changed in a Christian walk.  It is from my acknowledging that I fall short of thinking in the right way, it is from my acknowledging that I fall short in acting the right way, that perhaps God will listen to my plea and change my heart, so my thoughts and actions follow thereafter.

 

This is a very narrow path, because daily we encounter these situations, if we are honest and inwardly attentive, there are many times a day when you are faced with this reality, we do not do what is right, we do not think what is right. And the advancement comes if we submit to these failings in a pleading attitude to God, instead of trying to fix it our own way, either doing what is right out of thought, or doing what is right out of trained will. I think this is also the difference between working as a Pharisee or working as a contrite sinner. The ones harbor hardness of heart, the other is a pliable heart.

 

The homeschool group is going to rehearse the Sound of Music, a very interesting musical too, for pondering about God’s ways, which are always a mystery and a joy.

 

On the other hand we are trying to compile a list of good classic books for reading, some of our favorites are:

Little House of the prairie

Caddie Woodland

Heidi

Charlotte’s web

Chronicles of Narnia

Oliver Twist

Leo Tolstoy stories

Von Trapp family singers

Grimm’s complete fairy tales

Andersen fairy Tales

Shakespeare’s selection

El Cid

Don Quijote de la Mancha

Ivanhoe

Parsifal

Little Women

The 1000 and one nights

 

In regards of handworking, we found these little shepherd’s capes, which are made of wool and are tight to the chest. I find fascinating how in the older times people wore very loose clothes and nowadays people, specially modern people, wear very tight clothes. I think part of it is because it gives the body a sensation of touch, people are more drawn out of their physical bodies nowadays, and they find comfort in clothes that bring the awareness back to their skin, their etheric back to the former limits. (that is also a reason why people should be drinking wine in the old times but not nowadays, they are already far out and the wine effects hinder the processes instead of enhancing them). Nonetheless we are children on these epoch, and I think me and my children would benefit from having one garment that is wool and tight at the chest area, which is also the heart. We are planning on knitting some more of these capes for friends and others, as a therapeutic aide.

 

Finally, after nine months of being at our farm, we found out that it has a different name, just like in a pregnancy, you look through child names, and at birth you are reassured of which one is the right one, so it is for us now, the farm has spoken its own name and it is Wind’s Way Farm. You can see the development of the project at http://windswayfarm.blogspot.com

 

My husband is preparing his second novel, titled “The Way of the Wind”, and it wants to be a metaphor of a life walking with the Spirit of God. I am also preparing for the illustrations for the first book of “The Village Children”, this time I will use charcoal and watercolors together.

 

So it is with all this plans in our pockets that we wish you all a good year and Epiphany, may we bring our best gifts to give, may God turn our plans around if it is His will, may we be ready to listen to His voice.

Songs for Epiphany: Past Three o’clock, Good King Wenceslas, We Three Kings of Orient Are

Story for Epiphany: Babushka and The Three Wise Men ( look for the version that has no moral or judgement passed explicitly)